Benedict Francis

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Sunday, 13 Jul 2014

Le Blog de Benedict

Otherwise homeless thoughts.

Conscious Uncoupling

Posted by: Benedict

It is with a heart full of sadness that I have decided to separate my hand from my groin. I have been working hard for well over a year, some of it with my hand on my groin, some of it with the extremities entirely separated, to see what might have been possible between the two, and I have come to the conclusion that while they obviously love each other very much they will remain separate. They are, however, and always will be a unit, and in many ways they are closer than they have ever been. They are providers first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful rugby socks and I ask for their and my space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. They have always conducted their relationship privately, and I hope that as they consciously uncouple and co-exist, they will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris (what I call my left hand & a cock)

An Apology

Posted by: Benedict

If I caused you offence with my actions

If I uttered words that made you cry

If I mocked your beliefs or your passions

There’s no-one more sorry than I


If I laughed at your ungainly dancing

If I baulked at your miniature size

If I gave out your number to psychos

Believe I’ve now tears in my eyes


If I slandered your abhorrent singing

And the way that you “play" your guitar

It maybe my jealousy winning

I’m not such a huge superstar


If I scoffed at your stupid convictions

If I scorned your religious beliefs

If I claimed that your bible was fiction

With atonement, I’d like to make peace


If I derided your priesthood as paedos

If I ribbed your desire to touch kids

If I teased your deranged dark libidos

I imagine I got on your tits


If I jeered when you drank all that Stella

And disgraced you for beating your wife

I should have just offered to tell her

It’s all she deserved out of life


Forgive me for pointing and laughing

From now on, it’s live and let live

I hope you find peace everlasting

I hope you find time to forgive


If my apology sounds rather hollow

If my sorrow sounds somehow remiss

If my excuses sound too hard to swallow

Then it’s likely I'm taking the piss

Ode to the Online Test

Posted by: Benedict

I took an online test one day

To see what plant I am.

The site it said I was an oak;

So solid where I stand.


I took an online test one day,

As I'm a Downton fan.

It said I was Dame Maggie Smith;

As strong as any man!


I took an online test one day

To find which beast was I.

It said I was a slimy slug.

A tear fell from my eye.


I took an online test one day

To find which superstar

The site would say I had in me.

The answer, Alan Carr?!


I took another online test

To boost my lagging pride.

To find which Doctor Who was I

McCoy!? That can't be right?


I took another fucking test:

A city that's for me.

Paris? New York? Singapore?

Nope. Chavton-by-the-Sea.


And yet another online test

To find my social class.

The answer was more working class

Than Danny Dyer’s arse.


Another fucktard online test

To find who next I'd kiss!

Results came in and next in line:

A swift one off the wrist.


I searched and searched for online tests

To guide me on my way.

I took a test, I filled some forms

To pass my empty day.


I understand it's total bull;

10 questions on a site,

Set by some fat, greasy spod

Who's never seen day light. 


Yet when I find I've been defined;

An answer that makes sense!

Fuck my doubts, it's on Facebook,

I'm telling all my friends!


Posted by: Benedict

(warning: may contain traces of swears)


Sleeping don't come easy,

Insomnia attacks!

I've counted sheep, I've had a weep

But still I can't relax.


Sleeping don't come simple,

Restlessness invades!

It then devours the wee small hours;

All hope for slumber fades.


Sleeping ain't so basic

When your mind's like mine.

A trackless train, a fucked up brain,

Quite tangled by design.


Sleeping ain't plain sailing

When the hull it leaks.

A sinking boat that just won't float

Whilst cruising up shit creek.


"Sleeping", said The Sandman,

"Is what I give to thee".

With some affront, the sandy cunt

Forgot to give to me.


So waking is my torture,

I'm feeling quite unwell.

While you all snooze, I sing the blues

And damn you all to Hell!

Do Not Forward

Posted by: Benedict

This is a hoax. Please forward to everyone you know to prove how stupid you are. This must stop now.

Yes, my friends. This is a hoax. I can’t state it any more clearly than that. How do you know it’s a hoax? Firstly, because I said so, but more importantly, because I asked you to forward it to everyone you know. Thirdly, I am the lawyer for the ex-president of Nigeria and want to give you $5m in cleared funds if you give me your bank details, PIN and full access to any savings you may have. Another reason is that I am Bill Gates and want to give you $5,000 for nothing. Because I’m like that. 

What will you get if you do forward it? 

Well, that jackpot prize for the competition you didn’t enter. As a bonus, you will also get a much larger penis and be able to satisfy every woman you ever meet with your 500% increased ejaculation volume. Even if you are a woman.

How will I know if you have forwarded it on? 

Well the Red Cross email tracking system (that has never existed and will never exist) will spot if you have re-posted this on Facebook or sent it on as an email. You will then be able to work from home for upwards of $3,000 per day for just buying some shitty office equipment from me.

What will happen if you don’t forward this on? 

The results will be catastrophic. A woman will stop at a service station in a place that is spookily close to you, and fill up her car. While she is paying, someone will get into the back seat of her car, wait until she drives away then do some very unspeakable things. As a result, no TV station or news channel will report on it - they will rely on YOU sending this email to your friends because you are stupid and didn’t check on your facts before you did. It’s in the public interest that breaking news stories like this are handled via Facebook. It is also a distinct possibility that Morgan Freeman, Will Smith or Jeff Goldblum will die and have their families announce it via social media, issuing superinjunctions to all credible news sources to prevent obituaries being published before you get a chance to spread the word of their secret demise to your friends.

What can I do afterwards?

After you have finished forwarding this to your friends, feel free to pop out to somewhere like KFC, where you will probably be served by beakless, mutant chickens that have been farmed for their “nothing like a chicken”-like appearance - something that Kentucky Fried Chicken needed to pay heed to when they renamed themselves (under pressure of the law) to Kentucky Fried Beakless Mutated Chicken Things or KFC. I think they made the best choice of the two. If you are more of a MacDonald’s fan, go pick up some chicken nuggets, that started their life as pink ice-cream - or before it hit this hoax public-service announcement, was in fact beef. You could also try clicking on those videos that people post on their Facebook walls that offer a tantalising view of some celebrity’s tits or even a beheading.  This will compound the view that you are a porn addicted, gore-obsessed moron by simply reposting said video on your own wall because it is malware, designed to expose you and your habits. 

Will there be another scam that I can forward on after this one? 

Yes indeedy! I have thousands of heart-wrenching stories that I will post about dying children, that I will ask for your help in sending to Disneyland or to maybe even cure them - simply by clicking “Like”. Modern medicine has failed them, but Zuckerberg won’t!

All I ask is that you send this on to your friends, repost or simply “Like” this so other people can stop this practice of making themselves look more gullible than you. All it takes is one person to make a difference.

To be Wanted

Posted by: Benedict

Have you ever been some fella’s fantasy?

Have you ever been some chappie’s dream?

Have you ever been some bloke’s sweet pudding,

That he’s wanted to cover in cream?


Have you ever been some lady's Christian

While she sets out some Fifty Shades scene?

Have you ever been some madam's Heinz sauce

While she flicks on a juicy baked bean?


Have you ever been some grandad’s craving

While the dead start to rise from beneath?

Have you ever been some granny’s yearning

While she spits out her shiny new teeth?


Have you caused nuns to break vows of silence

As thoughts of you cause howls & cries?

Have you ever been some trannie’s hunger

While he takes out his meaty surprise?


Everyone needs to feel wanted,

To feel that perchance they’re a dish.

Everyone privately hopes that

They’re somebody’s secret wank wish.

I Dreamed a Dream

Posted by: Benedict

Last night I dreamed of boobies

Abounding in the sun.

Tits amassed before my eyes

The dream had just begun.


Last night I took my cock

And popped it in a bag.

I took it out to show the girls

And hoped I'd get a shag.


But all that was on offer

Was a swallow, with a blush,

I agreed and thrown in free

Was a little thrush.


Last night I dreamed of chicks;

Of course, I'm talking birds.

My dream was ornithology

You filthy-minded turds.

A New Year's Love Song

Posted by: Benedict

I must insist, 

Though oft I’m piss’d,

I’d ne’er miss

A New Year kiss.


I purse my lips,

I sway my hips,

Erect my nips

To pointy tips.


I turn to thee

On bended knee.

I count to three,

I weep a plea.


To Auld Lang Syne

I offer wine.

I take out mine,

Still you decline.


I give a rose,

I write some prose,

You stay composed 

And fully clothed.


So I stand here

As twelve draws near.

I down a beer...

...No kiss I fear!


And so you win.

Play violins.

I’ve given in.

I’m on the gin.


With no dismay,

I walk away

And softly say

“She must be gay!”

An Atheist Christmas

Posted by: Benedict

An atheist Christmas is steeped in tradition,

Of showing your love without the addition,

Of mystical beings and trite superstitions

Or nonsense beliefs in bearded magicians.


Some call it hypocrisy, asking for presents

But why can't I party with turkey and pheasant?

Asking my mum to explain omnipresence,

Whilst lacing her vodka with antidepressants.


At atheist Christmas, we all make amends;

A ritual release, our sins all are cleansed.

Akin to orgasm when abstinence ends,

But perchance less sexual with family and friends.


Some call me blasphemer for voicing my views,

For showing no faith in the King of the Jews.

I don't offer children for priests to abuse;

Nor choose to excuse all the ooze on the pews.


An atheist Christmas is not a hard sell;

No life everlasting, no miracle spells.

You can be gay, straight, bisexual as well

And wearing a condom won't send you to Hell.


So join me and sing out along with the rest

"An atheist Christmas is simply the best!".

If Jesus existed, he'd say "I'll be blessed!

They've finally twigged I'm a fraud in a dress".


Merry Christmas.

God bless us, everyone.



Posted by: Benedict

Pornography’s a funny thing
Each way you look at it.
Dicks so huge with waves of spooge
And zeppelins for tits.
All seems very clinical,
Scenes are way too close.
With gyno-cam right up a clam,
It’s scary and it’s gross.
The men are picked, not for their looks,
As handsome, they are not.
It’s coz they’re good at keeping wood
And monstrous money-shots.
But strangely, as I’m writing this
There’s porn on my TV.
The “actress” moans whilst getting boned
In orifices three.
As much as I despise myself
For watching Forrest Hump;
Still I stare, I'm mostly bare,
Except a penis pump.
Pornography's a funny thing,
But one I can't resist,
When hormones raise and make me crave
A quick one off the wrist.

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